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160 - WAITING

that title, I wonder if I have not ever used but good, too bad!

is anxiety in the stomach that I decided to type these few lines.

I expect a call from Dr that does not happen. I had almost forgotten this obsession with phone, high-heart and the breath at the slightest echo of the bell, and this need to calm all around not to miss this call at once feared and expected.

Still no news then. For me, the clock stopped there a little over two weeks. I tried to go back to work Monday. I took on me and I held three days. I was arrested again yesterday and again today. The work to oppress and mobilized all the useful energy in the portion of this course is waiting and questioning. Encouraged by my companion, my mother and the words of a colleague who echoed inside me, I decided to make another break. My doctor who sembalit quite understanding did not complain.

I look after myself and Phil. Whatever the outcome, this break has been necessary. Although the CHR announces good news is with my family that I have to share it. Anyway, time is serious. And though I do not feel sick, my anxiety has really become debilitating. Unable to concentrate, to project myself, I am now completely ineffective in the tasks that I perform.

short, relapse or not, I need to rest now.

My psychologist called me yesterday morning. Initially very stressed by this call came from the hospital, I was very happy to take it from me and talk to him a quarter of an hour. I wanted to thank her for her response to Dr. C. and inform him of the conversation me and Philip have had with him on February 13 (or more precisely what I remember of knowing that the days passed, I sink ever deeper into confusion). I have not taken up an appointment with Malika. She did not call for it and in my case, I prefer to avoid the hospital at the moment. Before concluding our telephone conversation, the psychologist wanted to make sure his presence with me, whatever happens and as it is in the service. It really feels good to hear these words.

I can not ignore the fact that Phil and mother also live with great anxiety the situation. They are still there and their presence is what counts most.

At the same time as I write, I keep an eye on my mobile phone. Still nothing.

My hematologist told me he would call me, that is reassuring news or not. The results have been theoretically fall the day before yesterday or yesterday and today, I know no more. I could call but I will not. I trust him. He said that I would know, he will. If not today, it will be early next week. And while I will not be notified, the waiting becomes increasingly difficult to manage emotionally, I think I will go back to work.

I will keep readers of this blog which, unfortunately - or fortunately if I see it as a resource - is again an important role in my life.

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159 - ESSENTIAL

In those moments where I feel more fragile and where the fear came over me as the other, I would not devote myself more than the ESSENTIAL, give me time, have fun, love and be loved, to think to me, we think, live the present moment, feeling every minute. And that's it!

is why the resumption of work on Monday may be particularly difficult. The week promises to be eventful. While awaiting the verdict, I do not see how I can invest myself in my duties to the risk of forgetting me. How to miss of my life, real life? If indeed I relapsed, it is highly likely that I face another long hospital stay. And if so, I'd rather spend my last moments apart in the manner most comfortable, taking advantage, in not passing along things that are pleasing to me. I need to refocus on me, on us both. There are moments in life when it is more than necessary. And then I think I'm right into it.

On the other hand, it must go forward. It is better that I maintain the highest possible pace of my work. I must not let myself go and so I had better go back to work even if my attention is dispersed. After all, it's 50/50, an even chance that the news is not bad. I must not let this momentum back kept me going for several months. Nevertheless, views the current circumstances, it will ask me a hell of a lot of energy.

If by chance, the expected results demonstrate that we are worried for nothing, I wonder what my colleagues think of my work stoppage. I spend maybe for someone who abuses. But here I am already think about their decision when it should equal myself.

So for now, back to basics ... There is it and there's me. And WE at this time.

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Whatever the direction or will the 109, know that this girl will always ready to welcome them with all the respect due to them ... :)

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158 - OUTLOOK SHORT TERM ...

An unexpected change our plans for next week. We will not leave on vacation. It is not important, there are other priorities, especially when mom on vacation in mid-March, should come near us for a few days.

I look more or less peacefully late. Anyway, there is that I can do: wait ...

On 28, I should be fixed. This will be a Thursday. I returned to work since Monday 25. I wonder how I can ensure my interviews also open folders that I can not possibly follow, listen to the worries of people while putting together my own. Physically, but I take office, hoping and dreading a call from the hospital, my attention will be focused on my cell phone. I know that I may be optimistic but I can not ignore the probability of bad news. This is my way to prepare.

I do not know not how long my superiors bear to pay an employee where they can hardly count in the longer term. I am afraid that playing tricks on me. I already know that my colleagues do not support me in a possible next fight. I no longer believe in them.

I'd better put these concerns aside. Because whatever happens, it is very difficult at present to project beyond 28.

Mars is unknown, apart from visiting mom.

I start to relive every day, like two years ago, almost.

Almost yes, because I am full of what I lived, I rebuilt during these months.

Since November 2005, helped by friends I have too many mobilized forces to build this building, I am convinced, will not be a house of cards.

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157 - 50/50

took place this morning my appointment with Dr. C, the specialist who follows me for Blood Diseases. Philippe was with me, four ears were better than two. Malika, the psychologist, the doctor had seen before and we seemed to have informed on our expectations. We wanted to know, out of confusion, understanding why I was asked to repeat a recent review.

We arrived in consultations at 10:00. Very quickly, the doctor has received, the time of an interview that lasted nearly an hour. Attentive, quietly, gently and available, he answered all our questions.

Justifying first "failure" of the prior review by a technical problem, the doctor is coming to the facts before our insistence: the results should be checked because indeed, they have demonstrated an "positive "Which might suggest that the disease is re-emerging while in the previous samples, the disease was undetectable. That is a suspicion of relapse which we speak. Dr. C. explained that this result is surprising because my type of leukemia generally has a good prognosis for this relapse are rare. He added that errors sometimes occur ("false positive" unfortunate exchange tubes for analysis ...). Nevertheless, the anomaly detected a molecular point of view requires that a control is achieved. We will be two tests: the classical blood test (CBC, plates ...) for which I get a result in the day and a new residual disease for which I will set in 15 days.

It seems there is no time for the blasts in the blood. But if the bad result is confirmed from a molecular point of view, it will then proceed to a myelogram at regular intervals to see if there are diseased cells in the marrow. If so, it means that my treatment was ineffective. We therefore redo a course of induction which will this time followed by a transplant (I at least have the advantage of having a brother compatible). If there are no blasts, it is considered a "small relapse" and should be monitored simply. The third scenario would be happier than to nullify the result that was obtained from a molecular point of view.

Auscultation fast: SIR!

As it stands, he must wait. Relapse / no relapse, the doctor determines the probability to 50%. We will wait for his call at the end of the month.

50%, that's what keep the doubt! But at least, the veil is lifted on the reasons why my hematologist to call me two days ago.

In a very strange, I'm calmer now, less pessimistic that two days ago. There are several possible futures, even the wrong side of the scale.

Furthermore, no rush! Dr. C. I called in the afternoon to give me the numbers count. They are stable for three weeks and we can "go on vacation alone," he said.

And that's not bad, is not it?

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Too expensive, too expensive, too expensive! The refrain is known and especially fashion at the moment. But looking closer, did you notice it does not exist in the French language a simple word to say "by comparison"?

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156 - SMALL REMEMBRANCE ...

... an evening of friendly and cheerful. It was a month ago, on January 11. Claudie, faithful commentator became friends, we had proposed to me and Philippe to celebrate her birthday with her and mine on a farm across the border. This photo as a wink to it ;-) reserved

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155 - NEW IN ... HALF-TINT

I return after a long period of withdrawal, distancing of the disease. I put the blog on hold. It was my choice, simply because he looked like me anymore because I had less and less things to express it, because I felt good because I was trying to move on, because I had no time because it was hard to Nancy and lots of other reasons no doubt.

psychotherapy seemed to come to an end, the meetings became less frequent, he left me two or three at most. We had planned this with Malika. And that suited me.

At work, I resumed a normal pace. For the first time my schedule was full for three weeks at least. I felt a bit overwhelmed and tired, but it seemed like a normal and necessary. Despite some annoyances and some discomfort in my report to others, I was pleased with the progress.

Despite tiredness occurred in recent days, a year and a half after the end of my treatment, I make concessions and confidence ... until yesterday I had 11 hours.

I'm on my workplace re-reading a speech that I do during a meeting held at 11.30 am. The ringing of my cell phone rang. At the other end, my hematologist. From my side, panic and an immense trouble that does not allow this day to transcribe exactly what the doctor told me. I'm confused that's for sure and maybe he is himself. His appeal was on my last consultation in late January and more particularly to the blood that has been made that day to assess residual disease. It is this consideration that must be performed again. I hardly understand why. Maybe I do not want to know just, not now, not right away. There is no emergency but we can not wait for our next appointment, which takes place in four months. The Doctor is my intention to pass this week or next week and I will be received between two patients for a blood test. We finally opt for an appointment scheduled for tomorrow and at which I could afford to ask the right questions.

Then co-worker support and eventually the same scenario as in November 2005, except that here I see that they do not understand what is being played in my head.

Philip I do not call right away because I do not know how to explain. I remember the hospital to get an appointment early with Malika The Psychologist. I was passing, we talk a little, it does me good to hear. We fix an appointment after which Phil will take part if he feels the need. I'm worried for him.

By late morning, my companion reached by phone. He hears the sound of my voice that it will not. I do not go around the bush, I explain why I'm in this state. He cries. I told him I will not wait until 5:30 p.m. to go home.

I leave the office earlier in the afternoon after an update on most of my files for peace of mind. And then basta, I'm me by providing a sick leave.

I hear that Phil has put mom into confidence. I think it's important. We must at least be three to make the question more bearable.

this morning with Phil, we went to the CHR for our appointment with the psychologist, now not so useless. We made the point, expressed our fears and feelings respective listed the questions we must ask the specialist tomorrow. We toyed with the possibilities for certainties, there is none yet.

This Tonight I see my doctor anyway and ask him a stay until the end of the week. After I'm on vacation with Philip.

What we will very much depend on tomorrow. We must lift the veil. There are several possible storylines, including the most favorable. I want to leave my mother in Alsace, a week, being away in a place where we feel good.

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Hell

Hell is like being barefoot in a dark room infested with tables and chairs.

Try it, you tell me the news ... ;)